SchlapSchtick Comedy Chapster Sixish

EXT. SIDEWALK - GREEN BAY, WISCONSIN - DAY




Guy hurries OUT THE BACK of the restaurant taking off his sauce covered apron, and almost runs into the ELDERLY MAN, for the third time. The Elderly man leans over and invites Guy to walk carefully past him.   Guy nods and proceeds with very careful steps.

The Elderly man hits Guy on the head with his cane.

ELDERLY MAN

Just because.

Guy moves up the sidewalk to the back of a PA SOUND SYSTEM behind a STAGE at a DEMONSTRATION.

EXT. - DEMONSTRATION FOR ELDERLY RIGHTS - DAY

Guy walks up to the back of the stage and strains to see who is speaking on the MICROPHONE. He leans on the wires on the PA system and pulls out the main wire by accident.

FEEDBACK

A technician hurries over as Guy plugs it back in, then gestures the blame toward some skateboard kids across the street.

Before Guy knows what is happening the A/V Technician is wiring a lapel microphone to Guy.

A/V TECHNICIAN

You're so late you're early Mr. Winkler.

ON STAGE

The A/V Tech pushes Guy on stage.

GUY

(booming over the mic)

Please pardon appearance. I am lost the hat.

The crowd is silent.

Guy looks around. He rubs his head. He decides to say a few things.

GUY

I know... we only live once.

The crowd MURMURS. They want to support him.

GUY

People have... reputation ... like small towns.

 Only thing anyone remembers is the worst

thing that happened... and maybe

the best, if it is very, very great. 

More MURMURS.

GUY

Be like a cash register...

when it is needed, make change,

with every dollar, make cents.

Don't take wooden nickel.

The crowd ERUPTS with APPLAUSE.

GUY

Does anybody have time?

MORE APPLAUSE.

GUY

No no no no no. Dense. Well, you

are all senile, you cannot help it. No. 

Do you have the time of the day??

A NERD in front speaks up.

NERD

It's about Sixish. Right around there.

GUY

Six? Oh mon dieu!

Which of you is the least senior?

Do anyone still have license?

 I can get a lift? No? Fickle.

BOOS go up from a few people.

A grapefruit falls short of the stage.



SlipStack Comedy Chapter Cinco

EXT.  SIDEWALK - GREEN BAY, WISCONSIN - DAY

Guy trips on a crack in the sidewalk, catches himself on an ELDERLY MAN, who then smacks Guy with his cane.

 ELDERLY MAN

Watch it, Guy!

Guy moves back to inspect the crack he trip on, gestures an apology to the old man, then promptly trips on the same crack and knocks over the Elderly man.

The Elderly Man lays on the ground laughing.
Guy slinks away.... into a restaurant...


INT. BELLE'S BBQ RESTAURANT- GREEN BAY, WISCONSIN - DAY




THE LOBBY

Guy pulls a HELP WANTED sign out of the window.

HOSTESS

May I help you? 

 

GUY

Please pardon appearance. I am lost the hat.

 

He shows the BACK of the Help Wanted sign to the Hostess, and points at himself. 

 

She smirks, and Guy checks the sign. He flips it around, over, over again... and displays it to her UPSIDE DOWN. He puts his other arm up to make a muscle. Then strikes another body-builder pose.

 

She shrugs.

 HOSTESS 

Okay.  Follow me.

 

GUY

Ah ha! Yes. Yes.

THE RESTAURANT SEATING AREA

 

Guy follows her through the seating area of the restaurant and sniffs various meals as he walks through.

GUY

(sniffing and speaking together)

Yum! Yum Yum Yum!

He tries again at another table.

 

GUY

(sniffing and speaking together)

Oh, well. Hmm. 

From the Hostess POV, a WAITER moves behind Guy as he leans to sniff yet another table. 

 

Guy leans away in utter disgust, and flings the Waiter's tray, knocking the Waiter OUT COLD.

Guy stands over the Waiter and slaps his face over and over and over, hurriedly trying to wake him. 

 

The OWNER storms in, grabs Guy by the jacket, yelling in Italian.

 

 OWNER

Mama Mia! Italia Ristorante, no no, 

Aye Dios Mio! Arrevadercho!-- No No.

 

The owner thinks twice, takes the apron off the waiter,  and puts it on Guy, then hands him the tray.

SlapStick Comedy Chapterd 4

INT.  CHEESE AND PACKERS BAR - GREEN BAY, WISCONSIN - DAY

Guy walks into a bar...

SARA THE BARTENDER

May I help you? 

GUY

Ah ha! Ah ah ah. Yes. Yes. Um.

Guy sits on a barstool, but his long trench coat is so slippery, he slips right over the stool and lands facing BACKWARD to the bar.

GUY

(whispered)

Par don me!

He tries again, and lands on the other side of the stool facing the bar.  Then he leans way over the bar on his elbows, straddles two stools with his butt, and plants himself... for a moment. Luckily, he's the only person in the entire bar.

Then, from the Bartender's POV, as he raises a hand to point at a beverage, he drops straight down.

She takes a drink from her cocktail, blows smoke from the side of her mouth, and comments as he stands up.

SARA THE BARTENDER

I keep telling Sharon all the winners come in 

during the middle of the afternoon.

GUY

(Shouting to excuse his uncouth behavior) 

SO sorry. PAR DON!

He notices she has a cigarette pack, and he points to them.

GUY

I may?

SARA THE BARTENDER

Help yourself, French.

GUY

Merci. Miller Light please.

He has never smoked, of course. As she turns to get him a beer, he sniffs her cigarette, burns his hand, and DROPS it into her cocktail.

He hurries to snap a cigarette in half, light it and set it back on her ashtray.

She comes back and he is lighting a cigarette of his own. She puts the beer in front of him.  She lifts her cocktail, holds it for a toast, and smiles just before she takes a drink of her cocktail. 

SARA THE BARTENDER

Cheers, French. 

GUY

(mumbled)

Salud.

He holds his cigarette backwards and burns his tongue. She pulls the cigarette butt out of her mouth and HURLS behind the bar.

He hurries behind the bar to help her.

She leaves for the bathroom.

Guy helps himself to a handful of olives and a pocketful of shallots. He grabs several bottles and starts mixing a drink.

DRUNK PATRON

Make mine a double.

The DRUNK PATRON scares Guy enough to make him slip on the puke, and fling a couple of bottles backward over his head as he falls.

Composing himself, he begins mixing a drink for the patron. He grabs the beverage sprayer and hoses the bar, the patron, and himself six ways from Sunday.

Finally, he pushes a bizarre drink with seven umbrellas in it across the bar to the patron.

DRUNK PATRON

I never had one of these. 

What do you call this?

GUY

(Completely unaware)

Oh yes.Yes.

Guy offers the patron a cigarette just as SARA THE BARTENDER approaches from behind.

SlapStick Comedy Chapter 3



INT.  CITY BUS --  DAY

Guy Slipstack sleeps in his seat on his way across town.

He tips over into a WHEEL CHAIR VETERAN's lap. The Vet CHOPS him on the back of the neck. 

Guy bounces up and spins in a circle. He waves a hand in front of the Vet then pokes him in the ribs over and over, TICKLING him.

A little girl laughs at the show.

GUY

I saw this on These Tre Stooges.

It actually works.

WHEEL CHAIR VETERAN

Hey! Whaaaa! Hee! Hey! Get lost!

Then he realizes he has slept through his stop.

GUY

Driver... uh, I'd would like to... deFart.

DRIVER

Excuse me?

GUY

De FART! De FART! Make my DeFarture!

DRIVER

DeParture?

GUY

Oui, this is how we say it in France, depart,

In English, de Fart.

DRIVER

(pulling the bus over)

Who told you that? Ridiculous.

EXT.  BUS STOP -- DAY

Guy wipes back his slicked hair and places his bowler on his head.

He steps off the bus, but the DOORS CLOSE on his HIND FOOT.

He turns and pulls his LEG AND CROTCH up higher and higher but it doesn't budge. He squeaks out some farts.

DRIVER

Get yer foot out! I can't open or close!

GUY

Owwwweeeee!

Guy wiggles his foot and the SHOE FALLS OFF.

Finally he pulls his foot out and it lands in a PUDDLE.

The Driver opens the door... with a LOOK.

Guy grabs his shoe and the doors close quick enough to trap his HAT on the inside. The BUS DEPARTS.

GUY

De Farting with my hat! Mondu.

Guy JUMPS as he is tapped on the shoulder and almost goes over the rail. He drags himself back.

ELDERLY WOMAN

Will you take our picture?

Just push this button here.

Guy smiles and agrees.

The Elderly Woman poses with her grandson.

Guy Blocks the whole hallway as he menacingly lines up the photo. A BUSTY WOMAN stands directly behind him.

Guy has the shot he wants, but the CAMERA is BACKWARDS.

The FLASH blinds him and blinds the Busty Woman.

BUSTY WOMAN

Sheesh.

Guy turns the camera around, and there on the little digital view screen is an excellent shot of the BUSTY WOMAN'S CLEAVAGE.

She reacts by BELTING Guy with her purse. He barely holds the camera from falling over the railing.

He hands the camera to the Elderly Woman and proceeds away rapidly.

Slipstack Comedy -- Page One -- 8/13/10

[Author's Note:

Dear Reader, Welcome.

Welcome to an adventure in Slipstack Comedy. That great form of comedy that was invented by cavemen that accidentally slipped on a banana peel, and all their caveman friends laughed so much, that they gave extra fruit if he could do it again, (partly rotten, but it was still extra fruit). The funny dufois, as it was pronounced back then in France, dufus to you or me, was able to reproduce the gag the very next moment, and slapstick was born. Made famous by George W. Bush, and Buddy Holly, along with Buster Keaton and Charles Chaplin, this form of comedy remains a stagnant, has-been of the film industry today. As such, here is some vigor for this lost and lonely artform. Please enjoy.

With much fruit,

Daniel P. Ronyak

Screenwriter by Night]

INT. FOX RIVER MALL - JUST OUTSIDE THE ORANGEY DRINK PLACE THAT THEY SAY HAS RAW EGG INGREDIENTS SO YOU SHOULD NEVER DRINK THAT STUFF - DAY

Our Hero Tragic: GUY SLIPSTACK, (say it French-like: Ghee Sleepstock), age 50. The embodiment of "whatever can go wrong, can and will go wrong", he stands six-foot-two, weighs little more than a cabbage patch doll, and wears his hair slicked back and long like an early 20th century rural farmhand gussied up for Friday night at the grange hall dance. He is in all things, Sweet and Salty.

GUY (French Accented English): Hello, I am answering? Hello?

NARRATOR: Guy Slipstack, age 50. Our Hero Tragic. The day, Friday the 13th, may just be icing on the cake, for this very special day. Each day is different in how it arrives and begins its menagerie of pain for Mr. Slipstack and all those he encounters. Today begins and ends lucky. He successfully navigates his way to the second floor balcony of the mall before things really get interesting. But here... it begins.

Guy leans against the balcony rail, flips his phone shut and decides to snap a quick photo but the phone flips out of his hand.

He searches his hand, embarrassed at his foolishness in the presence of a lovely woman standing nearby. Finally he looks down to the first floor where an elderly, balding gentleman rubs his head.

Available Screenplay Properties For Sale

Copyright 2010 Nick Yorkan, all rights reserved.

Screenplays For Sale:

With Guffaw Faktory co-writer Lisa Hepner:
Game Show Family Comedy 112 pgs

Writing as Nick Yorkan:
Night of the Ice Dragons Sci-Fi 114 pgs
The Paperback Murders Thriller 103 pgs
[CONFIDENTIAL SALE ] Feature Comedy 86 pgs
Jurassic Park- Five --Controlled Descent (spec) Adventure 105pgs
Wet Robot Sci-Fi 80pgs
Book of Joshua Sci-Fi 93pgs
A Green Bay Thanksgiving Holiday Family Comedy 90pgs


Novel adapted for the screen:
The Reef of Gold by Gary Dale Adventure 107 pgs
Malevolent Delusions by Suzanne Wilson Horror 103 pgs
Thundering Hearts by Kenny Lee Thriller 93pgs

True Life Stories:
Compromise -- The True Life Story of Vanthana Chy War Drama 100pgs
Spunge - Based on the Life of Charlie Benson Sci-Fi, Comedy, Drama 96pgs

TV Pilot Scripts:
Debris Episodes 1, 2, 3 Sci-Fi Drama 60pages each
Marmalade Sitcom 33 pgs
Fairways to Heaven Funny Drama 103 pgs
It’s the Economy, Stupid Docu/Reality 36pgs

Produced Films:
The Vault Short – Comedy - Screened at Eugene Film Festival
Cooking with Gerrie Ray Spoof –Local Access Eugene
A Bigfoot Cries Runner Up, DIVA Video Slam, Stop-Motion Comedy Short
Tom Wood – A life at Sea Documentary- In Production

Novel:
Dark Machine Sci-Fi Novel 300+ pgs.

Projects Under Construction:

The Way of the Plumber Feature Comedy Screenplay
The Minnesota Sophisticates Feature Comedy Screenplay
Petrol by A.C. Ronyak, co-writer Feature Comedy Screenplay
Three more sequels to Game Show with Guffaw Faktory are expected.

Check out our latest invention, the MoneyPups®, on www.funnyordie.com .