Sunday, October 31, 2010

SlapStick Comedy Chapterd 4

INT.  CHEESE AND PACKERS BAR - GREEN BAY, WISCONSIN - DAY

Guy walks into a bar...

SARA THE BARTENDER
May I help you? 

GUY
Ah ha! Ah ah ah. Yes. Yes. Um.

Guy sits on a barstool, but his long trench coat is so slippery, he slips right over the stool and lands facing BACKWARD to the bar.

GUY
(whispered)
Par don me!

He tries again, and lands on the other side of the stool facing the bar.  Then he leans way over the bar on his elbows, straddles two stools with his butt, and plants himself... for a moment. Luckily, he's the only person in the entire bar.

Then, from the Bartender's POV, as he raises a hand to point at a beverage, he drops straight down.

She takes a drink from her cocktail, blows smoke from the side of her mouth, and comments as he stands up.

SARA THE BARTENDER
I keep telling Sharon all the winners come in 
during the middle of the afternoon.

GUY
(Shouting to excuse his uncouth behavior) 
SO sorry. PAR DON!

He notices she has a cigarette pack, and he points to them.

GUY
I may?

SARA THE BARTENDER
Help yourself, French.

GUY
Merci. Miller Light please.

He has never smoked, of course. As she turns to get him a beer, he sniffs her cigarette, burns his hand, and DROPS it into her cocktail.

He hurries to snap a cigarette in half, light it and set it back on her ashtray.

She comes back and he is lighting a cigarette of his own. She puts the beer in front of him.  She lifts her cocktail, holds it for a toast, and smiles just before she takes a drink of her cocktail. 

SARA THE BARTENDER
Cheers, French. 

GUY
(mumbled)
Salud.

He holds his cigarette backwards and burns his tongue. She pulls the cigarette butt out of her mouth and HURLS behind the bar.

He hurries behind the bar to help her.
She leaves for the bathroom.

Guy helps himself to a handful of olives and a pocketful of shallots. He grabs several bottles and starts mixing a drink.

DRUNK PATRON
Make mine a double.
The DRUNK PATRON scares Guy enough to make him slip on the puke, and fling a couple of bottles backward over his head as he falls.

Composing himself, he begins mixing a drink for the patron. He grabs the beverage sprayer and hoses the bar, the patron, and himself six ways from Sunday.
Finally, he pushes a bizarre drink with seven umbrellas in it across the bar to the patron.

DRUNK PATRON
I never had one of these. 
What do you call this?

GUY
(Completely unaware)
Oh yes.Yes.

Guy offers the patron a cigarette just as SARA THE BARTENDER approaches from behind.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

SlapStick Comedy Chapter 3


INT.  CITY BUS --  DAY

Guy Slipstack sleeps in his seat on his way across town.
He tips over into a WHEEL CHAIR VETERAN's lap. The Vet CHOPS him on the back of the neck. 

Guy bounces up and spins in a circle. He waves a hand in front of the Vet then pokes him in the ribs over and over, TICKLING him.

A little girl laughs at the show.
GUY
I saw this on These Tre Stooges.
It actually works.

WHEEL CHAIR VETERAN
Hey! Whaaaa! Hee! Hey! Get lost!

Then he realizes he has slept through his stop.
GUY
Driver... uh, I'd would like to... deFart.

DRIVER
Excuse me?

GUY
De FART! De FART! Make my DeFarture!

DRIVER
DeParture?

GUY
Oui, this is how we say it in France, depart,
In English, de Fart.

DRIVER
(pulling the bus over)
Who told you that? Ridiculous.

EXT.  BUS STOP -- DAY

Guy wipes back his slicked hair and places his bowler on his head.
He steps off the bus, but the DOORS CLOSE on his HIND FOOT.

He turns and pulls his LEG AND CROTCH up higher and higher but it doesn't budge. He squeaks out some farts.

DRIVER
Get yer foot out! I can't open or close!

GUY
Owwwweeeee!
Guy wiggles his foot and the SHOE FALLS OFF.

Finally he pulls his foot out and it lands in a PUDDLE.

The Driver opens the door... with a LOOK.

Guy grabs his shoe and the doors close quick enough to trap his HAT on the inside. The BUS DEPARTS.

GUY
De Farting with my hat! Mondu.