SlipStack Comedy Chapter Cinco

EXT.  SIDEWALK - GREEN BAY, WISCONSIN - DAY

Guy trips on a crack in the sidewalk, catches himself on an ELDERLY MAN, who then smacks Guy with his cane.

 ELDERLY MAN

Watch it, Guy!

Guy moves back to inspect the crack he trip on, gestures an apology to the old man, then promptly trips on the same crack and knocks over the Elderly man.

The Elderly Man lays on the ground laughing.
Guy slinks away.... into a restaurant...


INT. BELLE'S BBQ RESTAURANT- GREEN BAY, WISCONSIN - DAY




THE LOBBY

Guy pulls a HELP WANTED sign out of the window.

HOSTESS

May I help you? 

 

GUY

Please pardon appearance. I am lost the hat.

 

He shows the BACK of the Help Wanted sign to the Hostess, and points at himself. 

 

She smirks, and Guy checks the sign. He flips it around, over, over again... and displays it to her UPSIDE DOWN. He puts his other arm up to make a muscle. Then strikes another body-builder pose.

 

She shrugs.

 HOSTESS 

Okay.  Follow me.

 

GUY

Ah ha! Yes. Yes.

THE RESTAURANT SEATING AREA

 

Guy follows her through the seating area of the restaurant and sniffs various meals as he walks through.

GUY

(sniffing and speaking together)

Yum! Yum Yum Yum!

He tries again at another table.

 

GUY

(sniffing and speaking together)

Oh, well. Hmm. 

From the Hostess POV, a WAITER moves behind Guy as he leans to sniff yet another table. 

 

Guy leans away in utter disgust, and flings the Waiter's tray, knocking the Waiter OUT COLD.

Guy stands over the Waiter and slaps his face over and over and over, hurriedly trying to wake him. 

 

The OWNER storms in, grabs Guy by the jacket, yelling in Italian.

 

 OWNER

Mama Mia! Italia Ristorante, no no, 

Aye Dios Mio! Arrevadercho!-- No No.

 

The owner thinks twice, takes the apron off the waiter,  and puts it on Guy, then hands him the tray.

SlapStick Comedy Chapterd 4

INT.  CHEESE AND PACKERS BAR - GREEN BAY, WISCONSIN - DAY

Guy walks into a bar...

SARA THE BARTENDER

May I help you? 

GUY

Ah ha! Ah ah ah. Yes. Yes. Um.

Guy sits on a barstool, but his long trench coat is so slippery, he slips right over the stool and lands facing BACKWARD to the bar.

GUY

(whispered)

Par don me!

He tries again, and lands on the other side of the stool facing the bar.  Then he leans way over the bar on his elbows, straddles two stools with his butt, and plants himself... for a moment. Luckily, he's the only person in the entire bar.

Then, from the Bartender's POV, as he raises a hand to point at a beverage, he drops straight down.

She takes a drink from her cocktail, blows smoke from the side of her mouth, and comments as he stands up.

SARA THE BARTENDER

I keep telling Sharon all the winners come in 

during the middle of the afternoon.

GUY

(Shouting to excuse his uncouth behavior) 

SO sorry. PAR DON!

He notices she has a cigarette pack, and he points to them.

GUY

I may?

SARA THE BARTENDER

Help yourself, French.

GUY

Merci. Miller Light please.

He has never smoked, of course. As she turns to get him a beer, he sniffs her cigarette, burns his hand, and DROPS it into her cocktail.

He hurries to snap a cigarette in half, light it and set it back on her ashtray.

She comes back and he is lighting a cigarette of his own. She puts the beer in front of him.  She lifts her cocktail, holds it for a toast, and smiles just before she takes a drink of her cocktail. 

SARA THE BARTENDER

Cheers, French. 

GUY

(mumbled)

Salud.

He holds his cigarette backwards and burns his tongue. She pulls the cigarette butt out of her mouth and HURLS behind the bar.

He hurries behind the bar to help her.

She leaves for the bathroom.

Guy helps himself to a handful of olives and a pocketful of shallots. He grabs several bottles and starts mixing a drink.

DRUNK PATRON

Make mine a double.

The DRUNK PATRON scares Guy enough to make him slip on the puke, and fling a couple of bottles backward over his head as he falls.

Composing himself, he begins mixing a drink for the patron. He grabs the beverage sprayer and hoses the bar, the patron, and himself six ways from Sunday.

Finally, he pushes a bizarre drink with seven umbrellas in it across the bar to the patron.

DRUNK PATRON

I never had one of these. 

What do you call this?

GUY

(Completely unaware)

Oh yes.Yes.

Guy offers the patron a cigarette just as SARA THE BARTENDER approaches from behind.

SlapStick Comedy Chapter 3



INT.  CITY BUS --  DAY

Guy Slipstack sleeps in his seat on his way across town.

He tips over into a WHEEL CHAIR VETERAN's lap. The Vet CHOPS him on the back of the neck. 

Guy bounces up and spins in a circle. He waves a hand in front of the Vet then pokes him in the ribs over and over, TICKLING him.

A little girl laughs at the show.

GUY

I saw this on These Tre Stooges.

It actually works.

WHEEL CHAIR VETERAN

Hey! Whaaaa! Hee! Hey! Get lost!

Then he realizes he has slept through his stop.

GUY

Driver... uh, I'd would like to... deFart.

DRIVER

Excuse me?

GUY

De FART! De FART! Make my DeFarture!

DRIVER

DeParture?

GUY

Oui, this is how we say it in France, depart,

In English, de Fart.

DRIVER

(pulling the bus over)

Who told you that? Ridiculous.

EXT.  BUS STOP -- DAY

Guy wipes back his slicked hair and places his bowler on his head.

He steps off the bus, but the DOORS CLOSE on his HIND FOOT.

He turns and pulls his LEG AND CROTCH up higher and higher but it doesn't budge. He squeaks out some farts.

DRIVER

Get yer foot out! I can't open or close!

GUY

Owwwweeeee!

Guy wiggles his foot and the SHOE FALLS OFF.

Finally he pulls his foot out and it lands in a PUDDLE.

The Driver opens the door... with a LOOK.

Guy grabs his shoe and the doors close quick enough to trap his HAT on the inside. The BUS DEPARTS.

GUY

De Farting with my hat! Mondu.

Guy JUMPS as he is tapped on the shoulder and almost goes over the rail. He drags himself back.

ELDERLY WOMAN

Will you take our picture?

Just push this button here.

Guy smiles and agrees.

The Elderly Woman poses with her grandson.

Guy Blocks the whole hallway as he menacingly lines up the photo. A BUSTY WOMAN stands directly behind him.

Guy has the shot he wants, but the CAMERA is BACKWARDS.

The FLASH blinds him and blinds the Busty Woman.

BUSTY WOMAN

Sheesh.

Guy turns the camera around, and there on the little digital view screen is an excellent shot of the BUSTY WOMAN'S CLEAVAGE.

She reacts by BELTING Guy with her purse. He barely holds the camera from falling over the railing.

He hands the camera to the Elderly Woman and proceeds away rapidly.

Slipstack Comedy -- Page One -- 8/13/10

[Author's Note:

Dear Reader, Welcome.

Welcome to an adventure in Slipstack Comedy. That great form of comedy that was invented by cavemen that accidentally slipped on a banana peel, and all their caveman friends laughed so much, that they gave extra fruit if he could do it again, (partly rotten, but it was still extra fruit). The funny dufois, as it was pronounced back then in France, dufus to you or me, was able to reproduce the gag the very next moment, and slapstick was born. Made famous by George W. Bush, and Buddy Holly, along with Buster Keaton and Charles Chaplin, this form of comedy remains a stagnant, has-been of the film industry today. As such, here is some vigor for this lost and lonely artform. Please enjoy.

With much fruit,

Daniel P. Ronyak

Screenwriter by Night]

INT. FOX RIVER MALL - JUST OUTSIDE THE ORANGEY DRINK PLACE THAT THEY SAY HAS RAW EGG INGREDIENTS SO YOU SHOULD NEVER DRINK THAT STUFF - DAY

Our Hero Tragic: GUY SLIPSTACK, (say it French-like: Ghee Sleepstock), age 50. The embodiment of "whatever can go wrong, can and will go wrong", he stands six-foot-two, weighs little more than a cabbage patch doll, and wears his hair slicked back and long like an early 20th century rural farmhand gussied up for Friday night at the grange hall dance. He is in all things, Sweet and Salty.

GUY (French Accented English): Hello, I am answering? Hello?

NARRATOR: Guy Slipstack, age 50. Our Hero Tragic. The day, Friday the 13th, may just be icing on the cake, for this very special day. Each day is different in how it arrives and begins its menagerie of pain for Mr. Slipstack and all those he encounters. Today begins and ends lucky. He successfully navigates his way to the second floor balcony of the mall before things really get interesting. But here... it begins.

Guy leans against the balcony rail, flips his phone shut and decides to snap a quick photo but the phone flips out of his hand.

He searches his hand, embarrassed at his foolishness in the presence of a lovely woman standing nearby. Finally he looks down to the first floor where an elderly, balding gentleman rubs his head.

Available Screenplay Properties For Sale

Copyright 2010 Nick Yorkan, all rights reserved.

Screenplays For Sale:

With Guffaw Faktory co-writer Lisa Hepner:
Game Show Family Comedy 112 pgs

Writing as Nick Yorkan:
Night of the Ice Dragons Sci-Fi 114 pgs
The Paperback Murders Thriller 103 pgs
[CONFIDENTIAL SALE ] Feature Comedy 86 pgs
Jurassic Park- Five --Controlled Descent (spec) Adventure 105pgs
Wet Robot Sci-Fi 80pgs
Book of Joshua Sci-Fi 93pgs
A Green Bay Thanksgiving Holiday Family Comedy 90pgs


Novel adapted for the screen:
The Reef of Gold by Gary Dale Adventure 107 pgs
Malevolent Delusions by Suzanne Wilson Horror 103 pgs
Thundering Hearts by Kenny Lee Thriller 93pgs

True Life Stories:
Compromise -- The True Life Story of Vanthana Chy War Drama 100pgs
Spunge - Based on the Life of Charlie Benson Sci-Fi, Comedy, Drama 96pgs

TV Pilot Scripts:
Debris Episodes 1, 2, 3 Sci-Fi Drama 60pages each
Marmalade Sitcom 33 pgs
Fairways to Heaven Funny Drama 103 pgs
It’s the Economy, Stupid Docu/Reality 36pgs

Produced Films:
The Vault Short – Comedy - Screened at Eugene Film Festival
Cooking with Gerrie Ray Spoof –Local Access Eugene
A Bigfoot Cries Runner Up, DIVA Video Slam, Stop-Motion Comedy Short
Tom Wood – A life at Sea Documentary- In Production

Novel:
Dark Machine Sci-Fi Novel 300+ pgs.

Projects Under Construction:

The Way of the Plumber Feature Comedy Screenplay
The Minnesota Sophisticates Feature Comedy Screenplay
Petrol by A.C. Ronyak, co-writer Feature Comedy Screenplay
Three more sequels to Game Show with Guffaw Faktory are expected.

Check out our latest invention, the MoneyPups®, on www.funnyordie.com .

Ronyak News

Hey hey. It's April. There was an Easter in there, and a birthday on April 5th for Cori, and her grandmother in Idaho Falls died the same day. There is a baby due in two weeks, and the circle of life goes on. Queen Elizabeth of England had her birthday today, and we received chocolate, bagels and bouquets of flowers at work for Administrative Professionals Day. I have the bus for sale on craigslist, the landlord wants it out of the driveway in two weeks. The weeding and mowing has been my exercise lately and we saw 2012 and A Serious Man on DVD this week. I got to read David Livingston's edit to a screenplay I sold him and am so happy to see what a great comedy he has made out of this property. The Gameshow screenplay that Lisa Hepner and I are writing together is coming together nicely and we'll start marketing it next week hopefully. Here's a copy of my latest blog post at work. People are responding with comments about the shrinking of things.

Ronyak: From the Large Hadron Collider to Lilliput

Daniel Ronyak, a senior accounting technician in Comparative Medicine, has agreed to post his offbeat observations and often tongue-in-cheek ideas here as they occur.

The Large Hadron Collider in Geneva is stirring up the physics world in a big way—ironically, with tiny particles building up speed and leaping toward unprecedented collisions. (Is there a connection to the “Portland Boom”? “Enquiring” minds want to know.)
Speaking of leaps and collisions, March Madness is over and the tournament is complete—and over the last few weeks you’ve likely seen the best leaping ability that humans have to offer. But why do we lack the hops of even a tiny flea, which can sky seventy times its own height? Is there some gain in buoyancy at that size, with respect to air mass?
It’s a weird thing, the size of a species: What would happen if a species such as a frog were able to be bred down to the size of a flea? (Some frogs are very tiny as it is.) Would it increase its leaping ability? And if you bred a dog to a size smaller than the frog, what would stop the frog from sizing up that meal? What would it mean for an amphibian to change its diet from insects to mammals?
This bizarre discussion is where physics meets evolutionary biology. As genetics branch out, where will the discussion go? Is there an optimum ratio at which humans could choose to live more efficiently in the future? Is Gulliver’s Travels more forward-looking than we realize? (“Going Lilliputian” would save planetary resources, would it not?) What an arcane world our huge skyscrapers will be, if in the future we are the size of the flea.

Alone or All One?

The universe is a vast sea of life, but we're here, in our youth, not aware of any of that other sea life. Are we alone? Most likely not, if our oceans are any example. There are certainly depths of those oceans that are vast, cold and empty. A tiny creature at the bottom of all that empty would probably think, I'm alone. But, no, it's just the beginning. We're going to find, that we're part of family some day. We're all one. Our angst is unfounded. Our current hesitant, earthly brotherhood should be rethought, from the perspective of this eventual family. What will another person from your world mean to you when you're awash in the sea of life out there? A resident of earth, any resident that you meet, will make your heart cry for joy at the meeting of a brother. Let's put on this face now and take up our universal brotherhood here in our youth.

Tide pool

The rocky ocean shore of Oregon has features called Tide Pools where life finds a crucible. The evening hours, the tide returning to the deep, a shallow hole in the rock along the shore holds the leftover vigor that stirred, and stirred again, in the roaring waves who swept their salty forces here and again only moments only hours ago. This quiet leaving is life. The hermit crab settles in next to the anemone, along with a minnow, trapped in a tub of isolation from their source for the next distance the moon will travel. There in the silence of the dark, flipping their claws on the pocket of sand at the bottom, inching their tendrils over the black, grainy rock chimney, life awaits the return of the tide to stir them from their solitary confinement. So it is I await the next wave of this life to roll forward to greet me in its terrible and liberating way, bankruptcy, bills, birthing classes, and baby. Somewhere in all of it there is a great joy regardless of the tumult, or isolation or the raised salt content in the tide pool.

Song sung true

The best teacher of a melody is the key in which it is sung.

Import/Export the How We Do It of World Economies

You buy from me I buy from you. We're all part of the huge fractal that is world economy. Small and large, exact same functions. A function of buy and sell. This fractal flowers sometimes, and other times, it's bound up in tight eddies and curls. Right now, we're bound up. (I think there's another metaphor in there.) The thing we need to do now, as is act like a "United" States. That is, our individual ways of buying and selling, state-by-state, need to be coordinated, so that as a Nation we buy and sell from other nations. If France has wine we like to buy, let's get 50 states together and agree what price we'll buy at. If we don't, the effect is counter productive. Because someone is buying from France's competition instead of buying from France. Then we're spreading the effective productivity too thin. Someone else will buy from France's competition anyway, so it isn't like we're leaving them without a market. The effect of acting united, with regard to foreign markets gives us much more buying power, it outlines a relationship between states, and it fosters continued cooperation between countries. The markets will stabilize. Then we can tackle the fact that State by State we don't all buy and sell with the same frequency. Thus highlighting the need for a policy of "currency exchange between US regions". Then I don't have to buy French Wine at New York City prices, I can buy a bottle of French Wine with my Portland, Oregon dollar, which I'm sad to say, isn't very powerful on the world market all on it's onesy. Savvy?

One quick note with an idea on “Jobs”. Obama has presented Jobs as the next big thing on the agenda. Do we understand the power of a diploma? We have millions of people in the US who already have bachelors degrees, but, for whatever reason, have never used them. They are working check stand registers and driving buses... The place that we push for Jobs needs to focus on our greatest untapped asset, the education that these folks already bought and paid for, not on those who are currently unemployed, who may or may not have a degree. We have an educated pool of people already, they’re just in the wrong roles. This question of “Jobs” is actually a question of rearranging the pieces of the puzzle.

Step One: Start a job placement service where people can file their willingness to participate in a newly created job within their degree field. This simple act will bring the education asset into crystal clarity.

Step Two: Then the Obama Administration can begin the work of creating jobs. Putting that money into jobs where someone holds a bachelors degree in that field is a much better “working scenario” to coin a pun, so that the jobs that are created will be sustainable, good paying, and most importantly rewarding for the people. Those jobs that are vacated by degree holders will then be available to the masses of unemployed people, and we’re now holding an educated workforce just by rearranging the workforce.

Do unto others as you would have done unto you. That's the crux of Christianity. The US, and ironically, the Tea Party, are mostly Christian folks. They're proud to claim that the US has "In God we Trust" stamped on every dollar, and they would rather have prayer put back in public schools so they can pray to Christ their God. When living up to the Christian tenet of do unto others as you would have done unto you, why is capitalism any stronger of a model for your behavior toward your neighbor, than what Tea Party folks are calling "socialism? What I'm saying is that Tea Party peoples are forgetting the fact that any amount of socialism that has crept into America is not because of Socialist Ideals, it's simply because people here in the US by-and-large attempt to do unto others as they would have done to them, and those types of changes happen socially, enmasse. As a society, they want their neighbor to have the same things, the same opportunities, the same health care, the same medical coverge, that they have. They don't want a company, or a corporation, or a capitalist, or a business to get in the way of their first and foremost rule... the Golden Rule. Do not take up the flag of liberty with guns and bullets against a population of people who are attempting to follow the Golden Rule. There are other, relatively strong methods of doing the type of revolt that will simmer down the socialism to the "common decency" levels that Tea Party members consider the outer limit of how socialism should be allowed to regulate business in a free market. The cry havoc is an extreme that let's slip the dogs of war, and once uncaged it is terribly more difficult to recapture the do unto others philosophy.